Phase 1, Day 1

I'm terrified of trying to lose weight again.

I have a long history of failure when it comes to losing weight and keeping it off. I finally reached the point where I figured, why not eat what I want, when I want? Sure, I'll gain weight, but it eliminates the middle man of losing weight and then gaining it all back plus more. Right? And at least I get to eat.

Well, yeah. But the thing is, my knees hurt so much I can barely walk. I sweat opening a drawer. I can't see, or touch, my toes. I can't fit into any of my clothes. And there's no way I can climb into a guys lap and fuck him silly - not with my huge gut in the way.

I'm sick of this shit.

My friend has been on South Beach for a week and has already lost 8 pounds. She says she feels amazing and that she has lost her sugar cravings.

Well.

I've been known to each mini Heath bars for breakfast and for a mid-morning snack because my cravings were so strong. So, perhaps, I should give this a whirl.

So, I've had scrambled eggs with a little cheese for breakfast, and a celery stick with hummus for a mid-morning snack. I plan on hitting the grocery store on my lunch break so that I can by Beach friendly food.

I'm not aiming for perfection, because God knows that has never, ever worked for me. But I have to do something because I just feel like utter crap. And that's no weigh to live. (Did you notice how I cleverly inserted a pun in that previous sentence to show that in spite of being in a medical crisis, my sense of humor is still alive and well?)

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately that revolve around fat acceptance. And how dieting can be dangerous, etc. I agreed with much that I read and know that I can't treat this South Beach stuff like a Diet, which implies a set amount of time eating like abc until such time I can eat xyz, aka, everything I want. I need to look upon it as a diet, which is staying within certain perameters and eating in a way that honors my body rather than poisons it.

Balance. Balance. Balance. This is my real goal. The right balance of healthy eating, activiites that honor my life and what I want to achieve, and enough fun to keep me from wanting to kill something.

Current weight: ? (I chickened out this morning)

Current waist measurement: 48 inches. Ugh - if I'm two people, why don't I even feel like one whole person?